...but a dream

I am but a dream in the sleep laden head of
an alien on a parallel universe
I am but a reality show watched by all
in the heavens above
I am but words spoken by the Supreme Deity
who lives on a misty Island
I am but dust crumbling slowly into the air
as each day passes by
I am you, you, in the very air that you
breathe in every day
I am but a speck in the eye of the Great
Watchers from Mars
I am you, you as you wade through me
with every step you take

Abayomi and I

… At five years old
“What’s the west of the stowy?” He asked staring at the pictures in the comic book
“The oko baba dudu first!” I said making a grab for the sweet.
He clutched it tighter, “Who is that man standing behind Spiderman?” He pointed at the comic.
“Oh he’s just there.” I said dismissively. “You promised to give me the sweet if I read the comic to you.” I said eyeing the oko baba dudu anxiously. In spite of the fact that I am three years older than Yomi he’s always one step ahead of me.
“What is this man doing there?” he repeated holding up the comic.
“How will I know? There is no balloon coming out of his mouth.” Then it dawned on me that Abayomi has no intention of giving me the sweet, so I made a grab for it . Abayomi gave the loud screech that always fetched our mother from wherever she was … I snapped my fingers at him. “I will show you! Mcheew!!” I know when to run …
“Wale! Biodun!!” he called his friends. “I have finished weading the comic. But you have to give me one oko baba dudu each before I tell you the stowy … is it me that said you should not know how to wead like me? … This is spiderman and the other one is emm… emm, …superfly…!”

… And then he turned eleven
“But why is your cousin not talking now?” Jide said, eyeing my ‘cousin’ who is dressed up in a black mini skirt with a pair of very high heels and a big afro wig.
“I told you she’s mute, she can hear you but she cannot talk.” I said smiling at my ‘cousin’ as she applied … no smeared… more lipstick on already blood red lips and added powder to a ghostly face.
“But that your cousin looks like Yomi.” Jide said staring at the huge boobs straining at the tee-shirt.
“Wo Jide, I’m tired of this jare, do you want a girlfriend or not? She will allow you touch one of her breasts, just pay up.” I held out my hand for the twenty naira. Jide reluctantly handed over his life savings to me, his eyes still glued to my ‘cousin’s’ balloons… “Are you sure she will let me touch th…the…them?”
“You can take your 20 naira back if you don’t trust me.” I watched with disgust as Jide started squeezing one of the big pimples on his face … no wonder he doesn’t have a girlfriend.
“Where is Yomi?” He asked as he dipped a finger inside one of his nostrils.
“He’s in Lagos.” I said haughtily. “Come back around 8.30pm, my cousin will wait by that door.”
“It will be too dark.” He whined
“You did not say you want to see a breast you just want to feel it, so you don’t need light. You have to leave now, mummy is back.” I said pushing him through the door.
“Good afternoon ma. Bye-bye.” Jide said as he ran off.
“Abayomi what are you doing in my shoes … my wig and my make-up?” Yomi stood up from the chair and nearly fell off the heels he was wearing.
“Get that muck off your face. Go and change. What’s that on your chest? The balloons I bought for Oba’s birthday abi? Don’t worry; I’ll get to the bottom of this later. I hope you’re done packing because the taxi that will take us to Lagos is waiting outside…”

… Yomi at 34
What fun we had in those days !

Finding ways of losing Nemo, Nemesis dearest or Mice will play

I lived with them for years, they were there in my little apartment, and it was as if they pay part of the bills. They did everything in their power to throw me out and I retaliated…the mice, I’m talking about mice! They ate ate through packets of Indomie, cornflakes, and refill packs of everything no matter where you hide them and then used the rest as toilet. They ran through the house as if it was their backyard, they had a lot of fun…at my expense.

I tried everything, from rat poison to those funny looking contraptions sold on the roadside ‘guaranteed’ to kill all the mice in my house. I chased them around with slippers, I tried to trap them will all sorts, I even gave them indocid and they became taller, stronger and fatter. Things came to a head when I woke up one night to squeaks and what sounded like laughter coming from afar when I opened my eye and in front of me were about 15mice were playing right in front of my nose. Some of them were skipping ropes, some playing ‘ten-ten’ and some were playing hopscotch…this is no lie! I swear I saw them with my two naked eyes!

Before I could say Jack Robinson they had dragged in the mice version of a home theatre, electric guitars, drums and keyboards, I couldn’t believe my eyes, so deciding I must be dreaming I pulled the duvet over me and tried to get some sleep. The squeaks became louder but since I had made up my mind that I must be imagining things, I decided to ignore the noise…then I realized that this would not be possible since somebody must have entered my room with a really powerful torch. Thinking it could be Alex, I dragged the duvet and the pillow off my face and opened my mouth to yell at him to switch off the light when I realized I was wrong on one count.

There was really a powerful torch shinning in my face but it was not held by Alex, the light was coming from a mouse sized stage…a stage? I took a second look and what must be the mouse equivalent of D’banj got on stage and started doing his thing. The screams that filled my room was enough to wake the dead! I screamed and tried to jump off my bed, but I jumped back into bed when my feet touched furry bodies! They were all there, all the mice in the neighbourhood were there…walahi talahi this is no lie!

I made two decisions that night and one led to the other: I’ve had enough and I’m getting a cat! If I had known I was opening a pandora’s box, I wouldn’t have done it!

Confessions of a latecomer, sometimes early comer: I sha come!!!

I’m a notorious latecomer at my office, in fact my boss always expresses shock anytime I make it into the office at 9am on the dot or a few minutes past.
“To what do we owe this honor?” is her usual jibe

But I have an excuse ... I mean I have several extremely important REASONS because, well … I exercise first thing in the morning. I know some of you are wondering what it has to do with anything so I’ll start from the beginning… here goes …

“I’m an exercise freak, and since I discovered jogging I’ve given up other forms exercising. At this point I’m supposed to tell you the benefits of regular exercise a la flat stomach, pert tits, firm butt, slim arms, stronger heart, better health etcetera etcetera etcetera and then say that regular exercise means that you can still eat regular meals (not gorging yourself) and still stay fit and all that jazz.

I really should tell you how I love the early morning silence, the communion with God and nature, I should rhapsodize about how things become clearer as I clear the garbage from my mind and body as music flows through my blood, it’s rhythm in tandem with the beating of my heart and my feet hitting hard tar. How can I describe the way every word of the songs drop into the depth of me? But as wonderful as all the above are, they are not the real reason I jog regularly.”

The question then is “Ayodele why do you resume late for work?” The answer is “Because of the view.”

Then you go like “What?”

And I give you a totally senseless answer like…

“I’m not talking about the deserted streets, the beautiful trees, dirty gutters and traffic free roads. No it’s not the serenity it’s the people. I love watching people come to life early in the morning.

Hookers being dropped off by clients or returning home from a night of hard work, all bleary eyed and disheveled, transvestites fixing their wigs, returning home to confused wives and girlfriends. Night watchmen still in sweaters and holding their torches like lifelines. Drunks waking up from gutters looking disoriented (like “what the hell am I doing here?”).

Watching beggars sit according to rank and realizing there’s more to begging than meets the eye. Watching young men and women clearing the shack they slept in the night before. Discovering that your average schizophrenic sleeps too, finding out exactly where they sleep, watching them get ready for the day and wondering where they find all that crap they carry around.

Getting hailed by passing bus conductors “Ta lo nran e ni se, ma se wo’le” (Translation: What the heck is wrong with this fool, hop in so you’d get to wherever you’re going faster!).

Watching Hausa boys pee in the middle of the road and watching me watch them (I’m the early morning mad woman who is always running from God-knows-what). People going to early morning services .

Listening to the lyrics of the Mullah as he calls “Allahu Akbar” (No other god like Allah). I study the methods of washing carrots, I get toasted by okada riders and motor car drivers (“let me give you a ride now.”) and finally arriving at my neighborhood around the time the akara and pap sellers start hawking their goods and receive my usual greeting of “E ku jogging o!”(translation lost in English but you can manage “well done for jogging!” ridiculous)and from my more nosey neighbours “E pe di e l’eni” (you are a bit late today) as if they synchronized their alarm clocks with mine…"

Now you wonder why I get to my office late …

Ten easy steps to becoming a politician in Ibadan

I know a lot of us out there are planning to become politicians in 2011, in order to make your life easier the following steps should be should be followed carefully, especially if you are from Ibadan (sections are applicable to other PinDiPin states)


The Ten Steps
1
Drop out of school: Any level - primary, secondary or tertiary institution will do! Polish up your English language, by using c instead of ch or sh. For example say cusing siar (cushion chair), sikin (Chicken), sop (shop), mison (mission) or vice-versa (fici-faca) , adfansh (advance), shoja (soldier) etc. please consult writer for more lessons.

2
Laze around for a couple of years: due to the fact that you have to experience poverty first hand, you need not get a job, live off your parents, friends and relatives. Make sure you have a lot of friends in the same situation, hang around yahoo yahoo boys but DON'T join them.

3
Get Smart: at this point tell the members of your family that you want to open a shop selling second hand goods at Gate or Ogunpa (electronics, cars, spare parts, whatever!). They'll give you money quickly because they are tired of seeing you loafing about, so they'll beg , steal or borrow to get you off your arse.

Impregnate the apprentice of an hairdresser.

4
Attend a lot of Fuji parties: this is an important prerequisite, you do have to attend parties thrown by fuji musicians, Sina Akanni, Atawewe, Igi Rogodo, Taye Paso, Rasidi Resese etc ensure you 'spray' these people with a lot of money so that they will sing your praises, ensure the tapes (insist on tapes, no CD's please) are distributed to bus drivers plying Beere, Idi-Arere, Isale-Osi, Agbeni, Sapati etc routes.

Impregnate an Alhaja that has made a lot of money, don't worry she has 5 kids for 5 other men and she's not expecting you to take responsibility for this one.

5
Get involved in a couple of fights: Ensure you have weapons like machetes, daggers and Ake UTC (axe), get a couple of marks on your body (one across the cheek will come in handy when trying to prove you're a real man or woman), this will ensure that nobody will mess with you.

6
Get Fat: You must try to be as fat as possible, developing a beer gut is the easiest way to do this, and make sure that your head becomes fat too!

Marry a younger and richer version of Alhaja, insist that she must be properly bleached (if she isn't already) throw a big party for your dead great-grandfather.

7
Join a political party: by the time you reach step 4, the appropriate political party(ies) would have started sending out feelers, take it easy and show a lot of reluctance, this will help you get a better post in the party, it will also help when there is more than one party involved. Join the one with the most thugs and most disregard for propriety.

Start dating Ibadan Polytechnic girls.

8
Get Spiritualists: you must choose your spiritualists with care, the best thing is to get two from each religion, ensure you get a ruthless one and an Holy one, the holy one in each religion will balance out the ruthlessness of his partner, with the result that you'll be able to deal with all known and perceived enemies without any repercussions…and yes, you'll get to go to heaven.

9
Visit Molete: this is an important pre-requisite or you won't make it. You have to eat amala off the same plate with the strong man of…oh wait…he's dead, mmmm, okay hold up…we'll keep you updated on this. Meanwhile, you can pay a visit to the graveside which is going to be turned into a tourist attraction very soon.

10
Vie for a political office: you should start off as a local government council chairman, by the time you leave you would have 'made' enough money to go to the next step (a governor or senator), marry your polytechnic girlfriend (she'll be first lady since she can speak henglis), recruit your old layabout friends as bodyguards (just tip them like 500 daily and they'll die for you)…and then live happily ever after.

Akani

Akani
of the beautiful eyes
with the kissable lips
the tender hearted
of the gentle mien

Akani o
Akani oko
Akani o
Akani odo
Akani r’oka f’eye je
Akani lo ro fun baba

Akani
For whom my heart beats
The one my love needs
To whom my soul yields
The place my home is

Akani
Swayed with every wind of thought
That tore my heart to bits
Trampled my soul to pieces
Threw my love back at me

Akani lo we l’odod
Gbogbo omoge yo owo ose
Won ni ‘t’emi ni o gba, t’emi ni o mu’
Akani o, Akani r’oko
Akani o, Akani r’odo
Akani r’oka fun mi je
Akani lo ro fun baba

Akani who never loved me
Akani who didn’t deserve me
Akani I wish you
Yes I wish you
Oh, how I wish you
Far away from me.

AE Olofintuade © 2009

I rilli lof you my dia

I lof you
I rilli do, I sware
Nobodi fit make my hart
Dey beat gidigba
For my shest
But you my deer

You wan no wettin?
Weda I fit dye for u?
Why not my deer
I fit do anytin for you
In fact go bring the cloth now
I go dye am no matter the time

I won spend all my moni
On top of my lof for you
Make I carry you go
Mr. Biggings
I go buy you meetpye
Cake and coke, I sware

Wetin consine Silifa
Consine awa lof?
The lof wey we haf wey pass jollof
Her time don pass
She don comot
Efen my first wife
No get mout for dia

Na you be my lof
I go buy u anytin you want
I go do paming and jerry for your head
I go buy you to mash shoe and bag

Just say u go marri me
My dia
If I no carry you go
My families houses
Make you say
My name no be Suraju

I lof you my dia
I rilli do
Na your lof dey kill me like beer
Na on top your head I go die