I’m a feminist not a sexist… gerrit?

I’ve been thinking of doing an article on Nigerian people (mostly women) who go on and on and on (ad infinitum) about their not being feminists, on the other hand I was thinking I shouldn’t because… ‘hey, it’s alright, your opinions are valid’. And because it’s a pleasure seeing women expressing their opinions, no matter how reprehensible I personally find it, that’s what feminism is about, giving voice to people the society has fought for so long to silence…
… but … there are times that these fingers of mine just can’t keep their thoughts to themselves, they are too opinionated for their own good… and their opinions are as valid as yours.

One of the things I try to do before jumping into any conversation (in my usual half-assed, screeching, bush-Ibadan-woman way) is try to understand the other person’s side of a story. So I’ve read a whole slew of articles (written mostly by Nigerian women) on why they do not like the label – feminist – being used on them. And the one thing I’ve come away with is that most of these women keep confusing feminism with sexism… the summary of their arguments? ‘I believe in equality but I don’t hate men, so I’m not a feminist’, I guess this is as opposed to ‘I believe in equality, I hate men, so I’m a feminist’.
Well I’m a feminist, I believe in equality and I do not hate men.
My men can attest to this. I grew up with a bunch of feisty men. I’ve loved some as friends, I’ve loved some as part of my support network, I’ve loved some at the back of cars, up a wall, on chairs, in trains (no I’ve not joined the Mile High Club or whatever they call themselves…yet). I’ve loved them in the missionary position, doggy style, straddling… don’t let us get side-tracked here but you got it, right?
Now, a feminist is someone who believes that men, women, trans, asexuals, intersex or whatever label you paste on yourself (or whichever one the society has stuck on you) are first and foremost, HUMAN BEINGS, and should be treated as such… equally.
Everybody should be treated equally.
Nobody should be fired because they are pregnant, or don’t look feminine/masculine enough.
Everybody should have rights to justice, should live their lives fully without being afraid that they’ll get raped because of the way they dress or are undressed. They should get equal pay for equal work. Should be able to choose how they want to live their lives, without being judged by the ‘society’.
They should be free enough to choose whether to marry or not, to have children or not, to make career choices based on their abilities not because they have been told to or not, or because they are afraid there won’t be room for promotion for them because they are going into a field dominated by one sex or the other.
A society where equality is a tangible fact, not something someone is paying lip service to by forming ‘Ministry for Women and Youths and Children and the Disadvantaged and fools and idiots’ or distributing stoves to women so that they won’t return to the kitchen (oxymoronic right?).
Feminism goes beyond hashtags and social media banters, it is when women (mostly feminists) spend almost fifteen to twenty years pushing a bill called ‘Violence Against Persons’ into law. When they stepped in to make sure that the IDP’s do not go hungry or naked. When they are presently working on changing the language of our constitution so that someone cannot decide to marry off a 3months old child and there’s nothing you can do about it because the constitution clearly states that anybody who is married is a woman or you can’t bestow your citizenship on your spouse or partner because you are female.
Feminism is about working on inheritance rights, so that women can have access to the lands they work on.
Feminism is beyond Facebook or Twitter ‘rants’.
They are not rants, you moron! It is giving voice to people who have been systemically silenced over the years because you can’t talk too loudly or complain about the way you’re being treated simply because you’re of a certain sex or you will not be considered a ‘lady’.
Feminism is about giving platform to women who have been abused beyond your self-satisfied lower middle class smirk about how YOUR husband pays ALL the bills so what’s the big deal about a slap or two here and there? And how sharing house-hold chores is no big deal because you have a fucking under-aged boy or girl enslaved in your house in guise of a ‘houseboy’ or ‘housegirl’.
We are talking about women whose husbands take iron rods to them at the slightest provocation, break-bottles on their heads, turn them into punching bags. Women who genuinely have nowhere else to go, because they are economically disadvantaged and not staying in abusive relationships because they love the title of ‘Mrs’ so much they’d go through hell and fire and brimstone to keep it.
This as far as I’m concerned is a simple thing, as simple as abc. Unfortunately there is no equality anywhere, there is no justice (just us) but there is such a thing as the patriarchy. A system that has been so institutionalized it has even succeeded in making the oppressed oppress other people. It stands to reason that if you were bullied by your mother-in-law, for example, chances are that you will bully your daughter/son-in-law. If your clitoris was cut off as a child and you never got to feel sexual pleasure, chances are that you will cut off the clitoris of your female child.
There is no such thing as the Matriarchy or whatever ojuju is lying inside your wardrobe at night about to jump out and eat you up because you call yourself a feminist.
Feminism is not a cult, it is a choice… you can actually choose to be one or not. Nobody is trying to ‘recruit’ you or force you to work for the emancipation of women who are not as advantaged as you. It is not a superstardom, in fact you lose a lot when you’re tagged a feminist but you gain yourself freedom from mental slavery. Nobody will knight you or pay you for being a feminist. The fact that you even have a choice is because some people in the past (or presently) have decided they’ve had enough of being oppressed, refused the right to vote, raped in the name of child marriage or any kind of marriage, paid a pittance for what men are getting loads of money for doing.
Feminism is activism not for the faint hearted.
So please keep apologizing for daring to believe in equal rights and emancipation of the sexes, in fact you can continue jeering at women who are feminist, but please, get your fucking facts straight while doing all these, because you just look plain stupid.
Repeat after me … feminism is NOT sexism.

#WhyIStayed – A case for Domestic Violence

One out of three women, worldwide, have experienced violence, and most often from family members ie parents, spouses etc.
Domestic violence was defined by Helpguide.com as “... when one person in an intimate relationship or marriage tries to dominate and control the other person... [using means which] includes physical violence...”
Earlier this month somebody posted on YouTube the recording of a Baltimore Ravens running back, Ray Rice, punching his fiancée, Janay Palmer (now his wife), so hard she became unconscious.
This video sparked outrage all across America, and Ray Rice’s contract with Baltimore Ravens was immediately terminated while the National Football League (ie American football not Soccer) placed him on indefinite suspension. The day following the incidence women across the world, who are (or have been) victims of domestic violence, took to twitter to explain to the world why it took them so long to leave their abusive spouses or why they were still with their abusers.
The debate took an interesting turn when Nigerians on twitter weighed in on the issue, using the hashtag #WhyIStayed #WhyILeft. There were voices claiming that most abused women deserved it and others (mostly women) saying that domestic violence is evil.
This is in face of the fact that a large percentage of Nigerian women aged 15-25 believes that wife beating is justified (91% in the South-West and 93.5% in the South-South *.) and in the penal code there’s a law which says “Women may be beaten as long as bodily harm is not caused.

Signs that you might be in an abusive relationship

The victims of domestic violence are not just spouses, the children of such marriages often experience emotional trauma which lasts into adulthood.
In an interview conducted with Ugo Chime(not-real-name), a public health and policy consultant, who, after the furore on twitter blogged about her experience as a child raised in a home where domestic violence occurred*, Ugo claimed she’d always been conscious of the fact that her parents quarreled a lot, but never saw her father hit her mother until she got to primary three. She also mentioned that her mother claims that was not the first time her father would hit her. Ugo says of her father, “…except for that one episode when it got physical, it was mostly the shouting matches that we endured, and those times it was very scary, we [she, her siblings and her mother] hid away… for the months he was around we watched ourselves, don’t laugh too much, he’d think we are having too much without him, don’t frown, so it doesn’t look like we couldn’t wait for him to go back [to Europe where he was working].”
When asked if her childhood experiences had affected her relationship with her father, she said “… there are so many phases to my relationship with my dad, loads of periods of not speaking and then reconciliations, it isn’t so much what he did in the past that causes the rifts, but what he keeps doing…very hurtful things and sometimes you feel you’ve reached your limit.”
Although Ugo’s parents are now divorced, they were married for thirty years (with a two year break), Ugo’s mother stayed because of her children.
Tokunbo Koiki, a psychologist who is currently a social worker and advocate for women and children’s rights in the UK, did not wait for thirty years before leaving her partner, a Nigerian man born and raised in England.
According to her “The first assault happened, I think after about 4months [of our relationship]. I remember we had gone out then went back to his place, as I often stayed over, he wanted me to cook stew and I didn't want to (can’t remember exactly why as I usually did) Next thing I recall is lying on the floor, in his room, with him using my own hand as a fist to punch me repeatedly. Tried to fight back and my screams were loud enough that a neighbour called the cops and he was arrested and charged ...but within a few weeks I had forgiven him and went for counselling as I was just finishing my psychology degree and about to go off on a gap year to help battered women in South Africa. The irony of life hey!”
“My memory of the whole relationship is hazy but I remember another time we were arguing in the car and he made me so mad I deliberately crashed into a pole (was very hot headed back then).”
When asked what made her decide to leave him she had this to say “... after another fight he was apologising and in the same breath telling me how his ex used to make him so mad he would beat her. I mean here I was, a recent graduate and he didn't even finish school. I knew I had prospects so it was easy to walk away. I cut him off completely and he never contacted me again. I remember next time I saw him was when I had to testify [against him] in court, but he got off.”
Ugo’s mother left after thirty years and Tokunbo’s relationship lasted for seven months, but there are women (and men) still living with their abusers for economic reasons, or are being threatened with more violence, some even believe they love their abusers and are afraid of being isolated or seen as a pariah in the society.
Abuse Circle

Says Tokunbo Koiki “Women need first of all to understand that they are not alone and that they decide to stay does not make them less of a victim nor does it make it okay for family and friends to abandon them.”
Presently, out of the 36 states in Nigeria, only Lagos State has promulgated a law on domestic violence.
Data from a study, published in a British Council report titled “Gender in Nigeria Report 2012: Improving the Lives of Girls and Women in Nigeria, Issues, Policies, Action” shows that in the South-West of Nigeria ,47.5% of 15-24y/o (unmarried) and 43.7%(married or separated) , while in the South-South 33.4% and 28.8% respectively. Which means 92% of women, living in the South-West, and 62% of women living in the South-South of Nigeria experienced violence in 2012.

Violence in the South-West and South-South of Nigeria, 2012

There are many NGO’s working to protect women from domestic violence, and one of the foremost ones is Women Advocates Research and Documentation Center(WARDC).You may contact them at 08180056401 (free and confidentiality is guaranteed) if you have any questions.


*2008 National Demographic Health Survey, NDHS
*http://knottypants.blogspot.com/2014/09/whyistayed-my-mom-stayed-and-for-this.html

Two Cows - A bitter woman's perspective

( Adapted from Mathias Varga's 'Two Cows')
(Art-Kehinde Awofeso)

Socialism

You have two cows
You give one to your husband

Communism
You have two cows
Your husband takes both cows and kisses you rather fondly

Fascism
You have two cows
Your husband takes both cows and just one mistress  (instead of two, or three, or more...) and one olosho

Nazism
You have two cows
Your husband takes both cows, divorces you and marries a new wife

Bureaucratism
You have two cows
Your husband takes the cows, accidentally shoots one, and dashes the other to his mistress to be well cooked in peppersoup, throws an owambe party, didn't invite you, neither did he attend the party. You both drank garri for breakfast.

Traditional Capitalism
You have two cows
Your husband takes them, sells them, buys a second-hand car, empties your bank account, builds a house and marries two new wives

Nigerian Banks Capitalism
You have two cows
Your husband takes them, collects all your money, sells off your jewelry, collects monthly house rents from you, charges you for sex, sells the cows to your parents at a profit and then tiff the cows.

Surrealism
You have two white elephants.
Your husband's seventh mistress just had their third baby.

The Government
You have two cows.
Your husband takes both cows, joins the organization for husbands with unlimited access to cows, sells the cows at a huge profit, keeps the money in your joint account, steals the money, hides it in a swiss bank and tells the whole world 'my family is not poor' in spite of your children's lack of shoes ... after all you're married to a rich man.